Saturday, March 19, 2011

Tater Psych

For nearly a semester, I majored in psychology and from time to time I analyze others and myself. Or if I'm analyzing someone who did something bad, I profile them. I also watch a lot of Criminal Minds. 

I have been single for a long time, six nearly seven years now. I ended things and despite my persistent singleness have been happy with that choice.  I look at it as I saved myself a ton of money and future awkwardness if we shared custody of a kid after divorcing which I feel like that's where we would be if I hadn't broken things off  (or in an unhappy marriage). Truthfully, I had stayed with that guy too long and no one in my life thought too highly of him. He was a nice guy, but not right for me.  Luckily, I did not have to deal with any physical abuse or infidelity (that I knew of).

I did not date in high school. I wish I could say my parents wouldn't let me or I was too focused on school or in the words of Clueless's Cher "high school boys- as if!" I wanted to date in high school; my parents probably would have allowed it, but I didn't.  No one was interested in me. I hung out with the boys' basketball team for three years and unfortunately instead of that making me seem attractive to them it gave them a protective vibe. Which was good in some ways. When I made the switch to be a trainer and worked with the football guys as well, none of them harassed me the way they did every other trainer. But it also meant, I was getting harassed by any of the football guys.

By the time I got a boyfriend, I held on. I held on for nearly five years. He was mostly a nice guy but I was annoyed with his need to get drunk and/or high every weekend for no other reason than to get drunk and/or high.  More than once I thought of breaking up with him, but something like an upcoming sporting event would make me hang in there.  We would have a great time at the game and I would stay.  I also realized that I was not high on his priority list.  Finally, I got to the point that instead of hoping he would propose, I was scared to death he would. I had actually thought about moving in with him because I felt like we would need a trial run before we got married.  I'm not clear cut into whether or not you should live together before you get married, but I did want to be sure enough in my relationship that I didn't treat living together as a test. That thought made me start to seriously reconsider the relationship. I had to admit to a lot of things.  One of the things I admitted to was that I was still with him because I didn't think I could do any better and thought being unhappily with him was better than being alone. The trial run thought, the whole lack of self-esteem thing made me really question whether those were good reasons to continue a relationship.

Then one night we were supposed to work out together at my clinic and I cancelled on him to baby-sit my godson Landen. We worked out often and Landen was my godson and therefore a high priority in my life.  He was incredibly mad about it and I knew right then and there, that was it. If something had happened to Landen's parents (my cousin and her husband), I was responsible for raising him and he acted like one missed workout was a huge inconvenience? Uh, no. After a back and forth of a couple months, we'll try to make it work, we're broken up, now we're on a break, we finally broke up.

Now through the grapevine and technology, I know he's married and has a baby (and at least a couple of years ago, his friends liked me better than the new girl). I'm actually good with that because I don't want to be married to him.  I felt pretty good with myself and I sincerely believe I would rather be single than be with the wrong person.  I have seen too many people get married because "it was time." In fact one of my cousins gave me that exact reason for marrying their spouse.

I feel like my self worth did not make it out entirely intact. I've always been a chubby to fat kid, teenager, then young adult.  The ex boyfriend made a few comments from time to time about a shirt being too small for me and then something un-weight related that when I talked about my family I was boring (my family is chock full of  scandal so not sure WHAT that was about). When I was with him, I gained about 30-40 lbs. When we broke up, I probably gained another 30 lbs. I attempted a few dating type ventures, but my overall feeling was "why would someone even want to be with me?" I had gained enough self worth to know I shouldn't stay with someone like my ex, but I wasn't at the place where I felt like I was worthy to be with anyone.

I have come to the point in psych-major-for-a-semester awareness where I realize I was sabotaging myself. I could shove anything into my mouth and then sit on my butt because I didn't care enough about myself to treat myself right.  If I didn't think I was worth enough to take care of myself, why should anyone else? This thought isn't about trying to land a man, but it's about treating myself like someone who deserves love. I am a Christian and believe that Jesus died for our sins. God loved me enough to sacrifice His Son for me, but I can't love me enough to take care of myself?

I have started to care a little more about myself.  I have lost weight, gained muscle (thank you #2011pushupchallenge), and gotten more in shape. I have also started caring more about my appearance. Doing home PT, I got into the habit of throwing on scrubs and tossing my hair up and that was it. Now that I see my coworkers every day and my patients have better eyesight I take a little more time with my appearance. It's actually bugging me (and pleasing me) that a few of my shirts are probably two sizes too big and extremely baggy. I feel like I'm almost to the point where I might try the whole dating thing. I feel more confident and I like myself better. I don't kid myself; I have a long way to go, but to quote an old shampoo commercial, I'm worth it.

Monday, March 14, 2011

Tater in the Dressing Room

In general, I do not watch a lot of reality TV. Some of it I think is insipid; other shows sound interesting, but I already watch a lot of TV. You have to cut back where you can. I would love to write for living so I like to watch scripted shows. Every once in awhile, I get drawn in to a "real" TV show. On the Food Network, I love seeing Ace of Cakes  and my new Sunday addiction is Cupcake Wars. I know, I know. Of course, the fat girl likes shows about cake. I'm also a little addicted to HGTV, HouseHunters International particularly. My other "real" show I love is What Not to Wear. I was beyond excited when bloggy friends of mine knew a blog friend that was on the show recently.

What Not to Wear is a show I tend to gorge and starve on though. Right now I am in starvation mode because the hotel does not have TLC. One of my very infrequent complaints about my extended stay hotel is the selection of channels (no TLC, A&E, or Comedy Central, but I have Lifetime, USA, HGTV, and the Food Network).  I do remember weekends with marathons on of  WNTW  that I would have to turn the TV off in the midst of a commercial in order to do things like, ironically enough, get dressed.

With this in mind, I am aware of bad fashion choices of others and my own. I have been losing weight and have been ecstatic about it. I just got work clothes in August/September because I worked in scrubs before so things like pants had to be bought. Even then I was down from my heaviest, but now my pants and shirts are pretty big on me. It leaves me conflicted because I love seeing that these things are too big on me which is a nice change from utilizing any speck of elastic or spandex in the fabric, but WNTW has taught me wisely that swimming in your clothes is not flattering.

Still, I hesitated. I want to lose more weight and buying clothes in between would be a waste of money. I reconsidered this briefly when stopping at the store and had to rescue my pants from sliding down my hip. On Friday, I wore the same pair of pants (they weren't dirty or smelly) when I drove from Houston to Austin to go to my adorable godson's birthday party.  I arrived at my cousin's house and my mom and my sister both declared my pants too baggy (awesome compliment in this instance).

On Saturday, we went to the outlet mall in Round Rock and popped into Lane Bryant. I decided to try on pants. I went a size smaller than the pants I had gotten for my job interview last July (a size smaller than I had been previously) and Mom talked me into the next size down as well to take into the dressing room. I also saw a dress that I absolutely loved, but there were only four dresses on the rack- one two sizes bigger than the last dress I had bought there, one four sizes smaller, and one three sizes smaller. I took the three sizes smaller as it was  the same size as the smaller pant size I was trying.  I tried on the one size smaller; they fit and were still a little loose. I tried on the two sizes smaller and they fit- snugly, but I could breathe and move with everything appropriately buttoned and zipped. I danced out of the dressing room to show Mom and Tori.  Then I tried on the dress. It fit tight across my chest (the ladies are on the large side), but it fit! It is the smallest dress I've bought in probably five years if not longer!  I have absolutely no place to wear it at the moment, but it looks really pretty hanging in my closet.

Monday, March 7, 2011


I'm a brat. In the past when people in my life have gone on an healthy trend, my reaction has been to dig my heels into the sofa and pull up a gallon of ice cream.  In other words, I threw an overeating hissy fit. It did nothing  to diminish their efforts, but for whatever reason their efforts made me decide to self-sabotage.

To diminish the glare of my brattiness, I've had obnoxious people lecturing me about their healthy habits. Most of the time in some tiny piece of my pouting brain, I recognize that the person has good intentions or is concerned about my health, well-being. At the time though, I heard "you are a fat slob and should be taking advice from me because I am amazing and thin (even if they weren't) and so healthy."

I may have a little problem with being defensive.

Bearing that in mind, I've tried to be low key with the healthier lifestyle. Knowing how easily I slide into rebellion, I want to not be obnoxious to others. I want to lose weight and be able to run without dying.  Those are my main goals.  So far, they've worked.  The scale has declined another couple of pounds and I've been able to increase the run time in my run/walk/crawl.  I focused mostly on exercise in my attempt to be healthier, but have been adding in the diet stuff in a very low key, not restrictive way. Remember the brat? She gets UGLY if you take away her chocolate. My diet plan has been adding stuff actually.  More veggies and more fruit. I've also been doing some switches.  Chips and dip changed to veggies and dip (reduced calorie salad dressing).  This weekend  Ben and Jerry's ice cream changed to Ben and Jerry's FroYo.

I started this blog for two reasons. One was to try to keep myself writing. I would love to write for a living but  get easily distracted so I have committed to writing in the blog at least once a week in order to keep myself accountable, which is the other reason for the blog. I'm trying to keep myself accountable without being obnoxious.  I'm posting my run/walk/crawls and am letting several people I know know that I'm planning on running a  5K in the hopes that I will not back out.

Yesterday/today, I had something pretty cool happen.  I decided to update my profile picture on Facebook and Twitter. I have gotten so many compliments.  One of my best friends told me that she showed people she worked with my picture from a friend's wedding about three years (and at probably my heaviest) and my picture from yesterday and how much weight I had lost. I was so excited and unbelievably flattered.  As I told her, I blushed over the phone.

Like, I've mentioned before I had no idea how much I liked genuine support before I started this. Alsot, I'm starting to like the results of the exercise.  That crazy #2011pushupchallenge had me checking my own arms out as I drove home today (also, I'm way into checking out the arms of others).  I've been able to do more without getting as tired as I used to.  I know the better reason is that I'm healthier than I used to be, but still riding high on the compliments, I like the way I look more. I have more goals to meet for my physical well-being and I think meeting them will help my emotional/mental well being as well.