Saturday, March 19, 2011

Tater Psych

For nearly a semester, I majored in psychology and from time to time I analyze others and myself. Or if I'm analyzing someone who did something bad, I profile them. I also watch a lot of Criminal Minds. 

I have been single for a long time, six nearly seven years now. I ended things and despite my persistent singleness have been happy with that choice.  I look at it as I saved myself a ton of money and future awkwardness if we shared custody of a kid after divorcing which I feel like that's where we would be if I hadn't broken things off  (or in an unhappy marriage). Truthfully, I had stayed with that guy too long and no one in my life thought too highly of him. He was a nice guy, but not right for me.  Luckily, I did not have to deal with any physical abuse or infidelity (that I knew of).

I did not date in high school. I wish I could say my parents wouldn't let me or I was too focused on school or in the words of Clueless's Cher "high school boys- as if!" I wanted to date in high school; my parents probably would have allowed it, but I didn't.  No one was interested in me. I hung out with the boys' basketball team for three years and unfortunately instead of that making me seem attractive to them it gave them a protective vibe. Which was good in some ways. When I made the switch to be a trainer and worked with the football guys as well, none of them harassed me the way they did every other trainer. But it also meant, I was getting harassed by any of the football guys.

By the time I got a boyfriend, I held on. I held on for nearly five years. He was mostly a nice guy but I was annoyed with his need to get drunk and/or high every weekend for no other reason than to get drunk and/or high.  More than once I thought of breaking up with him, but something like an upcoming sporting event would make me hang in there.  We would have a great time at the game and I would stay.  I also realized that I was not high on his priority list.  Finally, I got to the point that instead of hoping he would propose, I was scared to death he would. I had actually thought about moving in with him because I felt like we would need a trial run before we got married.  I'm not clear cut into whether or not you should live together before you get married, but I did want to be sure enough in my relationship that I didn't treat living together as a test. That thought made me start to seriously reconsider the relationship. I had to admit to a lot of things.  One of the things I admitted to was that I was still with him because I didn't think I could do any better and thought being unhappily with him was better than being alone. The trial run thought, the whole lack of self-esteem thing made me really question whether those were good reasons to continue a relationship.

Then one night we were supposed to work out together at my clinic and I cancelled on him to baby-sit my godson Landen. We worked out often and Landen was my godson and therefore a high priority in my life.  He was incredibly mad about it and I knew right then and there, that was it. If something had happened to Landen's parents (my cousin and her husband), I was responsible for raising him and he acted like one missed workout was a huge inconvenience? Uh, no. After a back and forth of a couple months, we'll try to make it work, we're broken up, now we're on a break, we finally broke up.

Now through the grapevine and technology, I know he's married and has a baby (and at least a couple of years ago, his friends liked me better than the new girl). I'm actually good with that because I don't want to be married to him.  I felt pretty good with myself and I sincerely believe I would rather be single than be with the wrong person.  I have seen too many people get married because "it was time." In fact one of my cousins gave me that exact reason for marrying their spouse.

I feel like my self worth did not make it out entirely intact. I've always been a chubby to fat kid, teenager, then young adult.  The ex boyfriend made a few comments from time to time about a shirt being too small for me and then something un-weight related that when I talked about my family I was boring (my family is chock full of  scandal so not sure WHAT that was about). When I was with him, I gained about 30-40 lbs. When we broke up, I probably gained another 30 lbs. I attempted a few dating type ventures, but my overall feeling was "why would someone even want to be with me?" I had gained enough self worth to know I shouldn't stay with someone like my ex, but I wasn't at the place where I felt like I was worthy to be with anyone.

I have come to the point in psych-major-for-a-semester awareness where I realize I was sabotaging myself. I could shove anything into my mouth and then sit on my butt because I didn't care enough about myself to treat myself right.  If I didn't think I was worth enough to take care of myself, why should anyone else? This thought isn't about trying to land a man, but it's about treating myself like someone who deserves love. I am a Christian and believe that Jesus died for our sins. God loved me enough to sacrifice His Son for me, but I can't love me enough to take care of myself?

I have started to care a little more about myself.  I have lost weight, gained muscle (thank you #2011pushupchallenge), and gotten more in shape. I have also started caring more about my appearance. Doing home PT, I got into the habit of throwing on scrubs and tossing my hair up and that was it. Now that I see my coworkers every day and my patients have better eyesight I take a little more time with my appearance. It's actually bugging me (and pleasing me) that a few of my shirts are probably two sizes too big and extremely baggy. I feel like I'm almost to the point where I might try the whole dating thing. I feel more confident and I like myself better. I don't kid myself; I have a long way to go, but to quote an old shampoo commercial, I'm worth it.

1 comment:

  1. You are SO worth it. I'm happy to be witnessing something great, here!